Ladies and gentlemen, we need to talk about Eric Swalwell’s campaign finance reports, because they read less like political filings and more like the expense account of a frat boy who stole his dad’s credit card and went to Vegas. Over a hundred alcohol deliveries. Half a million dollars in hotel stays. Nearly a quarter million in “personal reimbursements.” And now — the cherry on top — he’s using what’s left of that donor cash to hire a celebrity defense attorney to fight off five women who say he sexually assaulted them.
If you wrote this as a screenplay, Hollywood would reject it for being too on the nose. A Democratic congressman who spent years lecturing YOU about morality and “protecting women” was apparently running a campaign fund that doubled as his personal open bar tab and assault defense slush fund. But hey, at least he tipped his Drizly driver with YOUR donations.
Let’s walk through the receipts, because oh boy, there are receipts.
FEC filings show that between 2020 and 2024, Swalwell racked up more than 100 separate charges on Drizly, the alcohol delivery app, totaling roughly $6,100 in campaign funds spent on booze brought straight to his door. That’s not a campaign expense. That’s a drinking problem with a political committee attached to it. And here’s the kicker — Swalwell’s Drizly habit represented roughly a quarter of all payments made to the service by every candidate in America since 2019. One guy. Twenty-five percent of all congressional Drizly orders. Let that sink in.
When Drizly merged into Uber Eats, did Swalwell slow down? Of course not. He just shifted platforms and ran up over 220 Uber Eats charges totaling more than $19,000 since early 2024. We’re not talking about a congressman grabbing a sandwich between votes. We’re talking about a guy who treated his campaign account like a personal DoorDash subscription.
Then there’s the hotel situation. Over the course of his congressional tenure, Swalwell billed his campaign $500,000 in hotel stays. Half a million dollars. On hotels. For a congressman from the East Bay whose district is a short flight from D.C. What exactly was happening in all those hotel rooms? Well, given that one of his accusers — Lonna Drewes — says she was assaulted at the Montrose hotel in 2018, and FEC records show Swalwell’s campaign made two payments to the Montrose on the exact date she described… you can connect those dots yourself.
But wait, it gets better. Swalwell also reimbursed himself $219,000 from campaign funds since 2021 for “childcare, security, and other expenses.” That includes paying his own wife, Brittany, directly from the campaign for babysitting their kids. He literally wrote checks from his donor fund to his wife and called it a campaign expense. The FEC is now investigating whether any of that was legal, which — spoiler alert — it almost certainly wasn’t.
And the Vegas trip. Oh, the Vegas trip. In July 2021, Swalwell made three visits to the Cosmopolitan Las Vegas in ten days, dropping over $3,100 on steakhouse dinners and hotel charges. Because nothing says “man of the people” like billing your donors for a $440 dinner at Jean Georges Steakhouse inside the Aria.
Now here’s where it all comes together. After five women came forward with allegations of sexual assault and misconduct — including a former staffer who says Swalwell raped her — our boy Eric didn’t reach into his own pocket to hire a defense attorney. No sir. His gubernatorial campaign paid the retainer for Sara Azari, a high-profile Los Angeles defense attorney who has literally branded herself as an anti-MeToo lawyer. Campaign donors who thought they were funding a run for governor of California were actually bankrolling Swalwell’s legal defense against rape allegations. Let that one marinate.
The timeline of scandal here is almost impressive in its scope. He was running for governor. Five women accused him of assault. CNN broke the story. The Manhattan DA opened an investigation. The DOJ opened an investigation. He dropped out of the governor’s race. He resigned from Congress. And through ALL of it, every lawyer, every hotel room, every bottle of whiskey delivered to his door at 10 PM on a Tuesday — all of it billed to the generous Democrats who donated to his political future.
Remember, this is the same Eric Swalwell who sat on the House Intelligence Committee and had a confirmed relationship with a Chinese spy named Fang Fang. The same Swalwell who was one of the loudest voices during the Trump impeachment hearings, wagging his finger at the camera about “accountability” and “no one is above the law.” The same Swalwell who went on cable news every single night to lecture America about ethics.
He wasn’t governing. He wasn’t even pretending to govern. He was running a lifestyle fund disguised as a political campaign, and when the walls closed in, he used what was left to lawyer up.
The donors who gave money to “Swalwell for Congress” and “Swalwell for Governor” didn’t sign up to fund a booze delivery service, a Vegas bender, payments to his wife, or a criminal defense retainer. But that’s exactly where their money went. Every last dime accounted for in black and white on FEC.gov for anyone who cares to look.
And the best part? The Democratic Party knew. They had to know. You don’t rack up 100 alcohol deliveries on a campaign card without someone in the party apparatus raising an eyebrow. You don’t pay your wife from donor funds without a treasurer signing off. But nobody said a word — because Swalwell was useful. He was their attack dog on TV. He was their impeachment warrior. He was their guy.
Until he wasn’t.
Now Eric Swalwell is a disgraced former congressman with five accusers, three open investigations, and a campaign fund that reads like a criminal exhibit. And somewhere in Los Angeles, Sara Azari is billing by the hour — on his donors’ dime.
We don’t feel sorry for him. We feel sorry for the women. And we feel sorry for every Democrat donor dumb enough to write him a check.