Ever since last June, we’ve seen a flood of “scientific studies” published in newspapers in America, the UK and Australia claiming that new research shows that excess heart attacks and deaths are caused by ______. And the (blank) is always something that’s been around for years and never killed anyone before the January 2021 rollout of the you-know-what. In the latest example published in Science Alert, researchers are the National University of Singapore have found a new culprit that is causing tons of people to have heart attacks. Ready for it? The heart attacks are being caused by “tiny air particles.”
Tiny… air… particles.
Gosh, that’s terrifying! That means that it could happen to anybody! It couldn’t be that the catastrophic increase in heart attacks, myocarditis in children and other serious heart conditions is related to some sort of experimental medicine that the global de-populationists introduced to the world in January of 2021 or anything. It’s tiny air particles, so please don’t sue Pfizer or Moderna if it happens to you!
It’s been a couple of months since we last did a roundup of all the headlines in English-language newspapers explaining all the things that can now cause a heart attack. So, in the interest of public health, here are a bunch of real, actual headlines that have appeared since August warning of all the things that can give you a heart attack and kill you. Headlines are in bold, with my unscientific comments below them.
“Shaking your duvet too vigorously while making your bed can increase your chances of a heart attack, scientists warn.”
I’m not even sure what a duvet is, and I certainly don’t shake it while making my bed. I need to ask my wife if we even have a duvet. I might not be at risk on this one.
“Referee whistles may be cause to sudden increase in heart problems among sports players, experts say.”
Sounds like someone has a consumer products lawsuit against whatever company makes referee whistles. We were wondering what has caused roughly 1,000 athletes to collapse and have heart attacks on the field since 2021. It’s those referee whistles, which didn’t exist before then!
“Brits warned over ‘Christmas Tree Syndrome’ that could prove deadly.”
Now you have another excuse besides the s****y Biden economy to skip out on Christmas this year.
“Binge-watching TV linked to higher blood clot risk.”
Lucky for us, there aren’t any good shows streaming any longer, since Hollywood went fully woke.
“Lonely older women at greater risk of heart attack, study shows.”
That’ll teach them!
“Climate change could hurt babies’ hearts, study says.”
I’ll bet I know something else that could hurt people’s hearts.
“Video games could trigger heart attacks in children.”
Every Gen Xer remembers that time when we had heart attacks while playing Pitfall on our friend’s Atari 2600. Video games have always been dangerous.
“Falling asleep with the TV on could bring early death: Study.”
The only time my TV is on is when there’s a Trump rally or Tucker Carlson Tonight. And there’s zero chance I’d ever fall asleep for either one of those.
“Do YOU live under a flight path? You may be at risk of a heart attack.”
Planes must be giving off those tiny air particles.
“Experts warn certain sleeping positions could increase risk of blood clots & heart problems.”
Sleeping in front of the TV, sleeping in your bed… What if we just stay awake forever? Would that prevent heart attacks?
“Hotter nights increase risk of death from heart disease for men in early 60s.”
Good thing the power’s going to be off in Europe a couple of months from now, thanks to that stupid Ukraine thing. Plenty of cool nights on the way, guys! No worries about being too hot at night!
“Death during sex isn’t just something that happens to middle aged men, new study finds.”
Oh, hey! Was that whole “shaking your duvet too vigorously” thing some sort of British metaphor I’m unfamiliar with?
“Researchers warn that cold weather can cause blood clots & heart attacks.”
Cold weather. Hot nights. Sleeping in a chair in front of the TV. Sleeping in your bed. Shaking your duvet. Tiny air particles.
Is there anything that doesn’t cause an increased risk of heart attacks? I mean… besides the COVID shots, obviously.