Newspapers in the US, Britain and Australia are working overtime to tell us that many more people than normal are having heart attacks and strokes. And it’s not the fault of the you-know-what! Doctors and medical bureaucrats know that they are culpable in the COVID shot crimes against humanity, so now they’re trying to get themselves off the hook before the public trials and prison sentences begin.
In the meantime, we hope you get a kick out of this list of headlines blaming everything but the shots that we’ve compiled below. These headlines are real, and all have appeared in English-speaking newspapers this year. My disturbing comments appear beneath each headline.
“Why are heart attacks becoming common in ‘seemingly’ fit people?”
See there? You think that you’re fit, but you’re only ‘seemingly’ fit. In reality, you’re just a lard-butt and if you happen to have been vaccinated and then have a heart attack, it’s all your fault, tubby! We are doctors and this is Science, so shut up!
“Heart attack: The drink that could trigger a ‘sudden’ cardiac arrest – ‘catastrophic.’”
This one suggests that drinking too much booze is the cause of all the increased sudden cardiac arrest incidents. Because no one drank too much before the vaccine rollout in January of 2021. We were all sane and sober back then. We did this to ourselves, America!
“Tis the Season: The ways cold weather can affect your body – from winter vagina to blood clots.”
Winter what? First it was monkeypox and now this! Wasn’t that also the name of an episode of “Game of Thrones?” Oh, I see what they did there. They included that winter thing and we all skipped over noticing the fact that so many women are having blood clot issues because of the COVID vaccines.
“The little-known heart attack that’s striking ‘fit and healthy’ women as young as 22.”
The three types of heart attacks are myocardial infarction, coronary spasm and unstable angina. There isn’t some secret “little-known” fourth heart attack. Oh, and I guess you’re not as ‘fit and healthy’ as you thought, ladies!
“Heart attack: Does skipping breakfast increase your risk?”
Maybe. Maybe not. But I can think of one thing you can skip that will not increase your risk of heart attack!
“Cannabis Use Disorder may be linked to growing number of heart attacks in younger adults.”
Oh, no! What will we do without potheads?! In related news, Denver might start to smell like a livable city again soon.
“Devoted football (European soccer) fans experience ‘dangerous’ levels of stress.”
I can see how watching a four-hour game that can result in a 0-0 tie might be so dangerously stressful that you have a heart attack from sitting through it.
“Can shoveling snow cause a heart attack? What Canadians need to know.”
Ha! Take that, Canadians! With an 83% vaccination rate among adults, Canada should be very worried about shoveling snow this next winter.
“Urgent Warning as 300,000 Brits living with stealth disease that could kill within 5 years.”
“E-cigarettes increase stroke risk at earlier ages than conventional cigarettes.”
Oh, no! What will we do without vapers?!
“More people suffering stroke and heart disease after COVID, Connecticut doctors say.”
It’s COVID’s fault!
“How the weather is HARMING your health, from heart attacks to stroke and gout.”
I like how they included gout in the list, to make it look like this is a serious article written by adults.
“Sports can break your heart in more ways than one.”
As a Seattle Mariners fan, I rate this headline 100% TRUE!
“Energy bill price rises may cause heart attacks and strokes, says TV GP.”
Wait, you’re not suggesting that Joe Biden has mismanaged the economy and caused energy prices to rise, are you? Because that’s treason.
“Heart disease: Reduce your child’s risk.”
Just send me three easy payments of $99.99 and I can share with you this ONE WEIRD TRICK that reduces everyone’s risk of heart disease.
“COVID-19 pandemic increasing risk of anxiety, and therefore heart disease: study.”
I’ve run out of jokes because I’m still thinking about that winter thing. Also, if you have not yet received a COVID vaccination, I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that you keep doing what you’re doing by not getting a COVID vaccine.