Democrats are extremely concerned that somewhere, at some point in time, an American might have a nice time. It’s not fair for you to have fun, America! People in a lot of other countries are not having fun right now. So, to make things fair, Democrats require you to allow them to ruin everything. The major problem that Democrats, especially serious 2020 presidential contender Spartacus Booker, want to rescue you from right now is… beach umbrellas. It’s not like we have any other problems that Congress should be concerned with right now.
Booker and several of his fellow fun police from the Democrat Party are demanding answers on “the scourge of beach umbrellas” from the Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC). Pause for a moment to consider that four United States Senators, including one running for president, referred to “the scourge of beach umbrellas” in an official letter. Spartacus Booker wants to know how many people are specifically injured every year by the scourge of beach umbrellas.
The CPSC tracks the number of umbrella-related injuries on its website, in case you were worried about that. There are approximately 1,500 umbrella injuries in America each year, or an average of about 125 per month. But how many are specifically from the scourge of beach umbrellas, CPSC? How many?! Huh? Spartacus Booker demands answers!
Perhaps Spartacus Booker and his heroic Democrat friends could turn their attention to one coastal area that has solved its problem with the scourge of beach umbrellas: San Diego County near the Tijuana River. They no longer have to worry about the scourge of beach umbrellas, thanks to a unique solution, which is to have Mexico for your next-door neighbor.
The Tijuana River is one of those rare rivers that flows from southeast to northwest and crosses an international border. It runs from Mexico across the US border and into San Diego County, where it flows into the Pacific Ocean at Imperial Beach. Some of the water also makes its way into the San Diego Bay.
When the city of Tijuana dumps its raw sewage and toxic waste directly into the Tijuana River, it ends up in Imperial Beach in southern California. Voila! No more scourge of beach umbrellas! We can’t have nice things here in America, because we’re afraid to put our foot down with Mexico.
The water in the Tijuana River turns into a toxic, slimy yellow foam every time the city dumps its sewage into it. Lifeguards, children, and families enjoying a day at the beach in America were sickened every time they went in the water after Tijuana started this fun policy. The water is so poisonous that when Border Patrol agents have to get into the river to check on culvert gates and other spots where illegal aliens sneak in, the toxic sludge eats through their boots.
One young Border Patrol agent was forced into early retirement after he had to go in the water of the Tijuana River. The flesh-eating bacteria that he contracted nearly ate his arm off. Did we mention that Spartacus Booker is worried about beach umbrellas?
“I’ve gotten sick,” says Dave Gibson of the San Diego Regional Water Quality Control Board. “My kids have gotten sick. Our city manager has gotten sick. Our lifeguards are getting sick. The beach has become sort of an enemy.”
Mr. Gibson must be one of those glass-half-empty sorts of folks. Doesn’t he realize that Mexico has solved that area’s beach umbrella scourge? Not to mention the scourge of tourism. Coming to CBS this fall: Baywatch – Flesh-Eating Bacteria Edition!
The city of Imperial Beach, San Diego County and the state of California are all suing Tijuana for dumping its untreated raw sewage and toxic chemicals directly into the river. But they all know that the lawsuit will take years and probably go nowhere. So, as an alternative, they’re planning a massive new infrastructure project along the border: Capture the entire Tijuana River with some not-yet-built technology and then run it through a massive sewage treatment process before releasing the water once again. When the project is done in 20 or 30 years, Imperial Beach might have to worry about tourism again.
Spartacus Booker is deeply concerned about the scourge of beach umbrellas. Meanwhile, America has to accept every single turd that makes its way across our southern border from Mexico.
